Consciousness as Presence

Pathik is close to 20 years younger than I and built like a builder. I was 69 years old and hadn’t worked like that since the Ranch. I had to push myself to keep up with him. I also did the purchasing and made final design decisions. As I was building a house for myself, I wanted it to be excellent. I was a bit anal. I’m more the cabinetmaker than the rough carpenter type. When the time arrived for Pathik to stop, we had the house to lock up, and I collapsed exhausted. After a couple of weeks of lying around, I found that I was still tired. I could only work for maybe half an hour in the garden, and I would be exhausted. I went to my GP thinking that maybe I had one of those mosquito-borne diseases. When I told the doctor what had been going on in my life and my symptoms he said, “I believe that you’re depressed.” A light bulb went on. I realized that there had been this black cloud hovering over me just outside of my conscious awareness. I said to myself, “Aha! So I’m experiencing a depression.” Immediately the black clouds disappeared, there was light, and I began to regain my vigor.

I have been asked how I recovered so quickly. I start by telling about a remembrance that I had some years ago. It was of a time when I was around seven years old and sitting on the back stoop holding my cat. I was very content just sitting there, at peace. Then I remembered a time when I was a little older knocking a ball around with friends in the backyard. I slowly moved through memories of events every few years. What I noticed was that everything changed over time. My body changed. What I thought about changed. My emotional state changed. The world around me changed… However, there was that which never changed and was always present. At times I might call it consciousness. Mostly I like to call it presence. People know what I mean when I use the word “presence.” Also, included in that word is “present.” One’s presence is immediate and always here. It never passes. Understood rightly, it is a door to the inner, to experiencing consciousness.

All the meditation techniques that I have given to you are not dependent on me – my presence or absence will not make any difference – they are dependent on you. It is not my presence, but your presence that is needed for them to work. It is not my being here but your being here, your being in the present, your being alert and aware that is going to help.

Beyond Enlightenment, Chapter 1

It is the shift of identification from that which passes to that which is always present that enabled me to shift from a state of experiencing depression to one of freedom from depression. The black clouds represented an accumulation of mental loops from past conditionings that had started playing when I was physically and emotionally exhausted. It was a dis-ease that had become attached to what was a natural state of relaxation. When I shifted my awareness to my presence, the present moment, the hooks fell away as an inherent ease and acceptance took over. Note that my doctor said, “You are depressed” while I thought, “I am experiencing a depression.” I was recognizing that the depression was not me. There was no attempt to push it away. No energy exerted. Just an awareness of the true reality.To be able to so easily make that shift has been a journey of unexpected discovery, of sudden revelations. “Ah, that’s what He meant!” (Twenty years later.) Of being overwhelmed out of the blue. Finding it easier and quicker to drop in. An unfolding of amazement at who I truly am. I have used many different meditation techniques, listened to and read many discourses, studied the ways of the small “m” mind. There have been many events along the way. A significant one for me:

One evening, in Pune One, after I had described my experience during the last stage of Kundalini Meditation that afternoon, I remember Osho saying something like this, “That is very good. Continue in that direction. Meditation is like a rose. As you peel back the petals, it becomes fresher and juicier. Until after the last petal falls, there is just emptiness.”
I can say that my experience has been consistent with what He said. I found as I went on this adventure of returning to the present again and again and again there was an unfolding in which the path was always new and fresh and nourishing. When I first was with Osho there was a phrase that stood out, “Let go.” Over the years, I found that letting go was a major aspect of my journey. Letting go on ever deeper and subtler levels. As I let go, the space that appeared was filled with the unknown manifesting in joy or love or ecstasy or stillness. At times the indescribable is here. A state that I can only experience, not describe. A state that is beyond letting go. This state that I call variously presence and consciousness is so delicious that I find times throughout the day when I can stop and enjoy. Even a few moments. Out of this has come a pleasant bliss that encompasses me often in the day. When I am interacting on even the most mundane level, like with the check-out person, and I am in this state, that person’s presence responds.

Having experienced the treasure that is my very being has been a great relaxation. Instead of my actions being focused on getting that which I have been seeking, I have found my actions more and more becoming an effortless manifesting of those qualities.

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The Wild Existential Country

So, I finally binged watched it. First of all, I would like to congratulate the film makers for creating such a well crafted work and on being so unbiased. I wish that I could say the same for the viewers. Of course, everyone will look at it from their perspective. As someone who spent two years as a resident of Rajneeshpuram, here is mine.

I have heard that some of those who were on the ranch wish that the film had been more about Osho’s teachings or the life in the commune. Some who felt that it was too negative about the commune or those who wanted even more of the negative and consider anyone who said anything positive to be an “apologist”. However, as I see it, those things were not what the film was about. The day to day functioning and experience at the commune was secondary. Osho’s teaching were mostly secondary. This was not about whether it is good to follow a guru.

What this film was about was: a group of strangers, non-christian, with different cultural norms arrive in an American small town and buys a large tract of land to build their own community to live as they wish. In the process, the local conservative neighbours get outraged (“Of course, I’m afraid. They are unknown.”) and begin to do all that they can to drive them out. The new people refuse to be intimidated and push back. Eventually, the government from local to the White House is involve in a campaign to get rid of these strangers. This was a story in which both sides made mistakes. I read articles that highlight Sheela’s crimes , which were beyond the pale. However, what kind of man would rather order an invasion of Rajneeshpuram that would most probably result in fatalities than allow Bhagwan to surrender himself peacefully at the Portland courthouse as his attorneys had offered. Two very different aspects of the insanity that arose within the struggle. As a balance, I hope that you also paid attention to what was said by Niren and Sunshine. I would like to point out that Rajneeshpuram had a population of 5000 residents at it’s peak(not counting the share-a-home people). The number of people who participated in or even knew about the druggings, poisonings and attempted murders was much less than 1% of the residents of the commune.

Having stated the above, I will say that in making a the choice to focus on the struggle, an important story, they left out a much bigger and more important story.

As in the film, let’s go back to the mid 1970’s when young westerners began discovering this Indian Mystic then called Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh (I’ll refer to him from now by his later name, Osho). I arrived at his ashram in 1976 and the westerners there numbered a few hundred. In the next few years the number of westerners coming to Osho grew to thousands and tens of thousands.

Each morning we were able to sit with him and listen as he spoke of his own experiences and understandings of life and revealed to us the great mystical heritage that all of humanity shares. Of the many mystics and mystical traditions who have come before and whose essence is alway with us to discover. He spoke of the teachings of Gautama Buddha, Jesus, Lao Tsu, Tilopa, Patanjali, Chuang tsu, Gurdjief, Miester Echart, Rumi and many more. We heard Sufi and Zen stories, and more. All of these masters and traditions that were about going within to discover our true eternal selves.

To go with his teachings, there were meditation techniques from the ancient to Osho’s own active techniques for the modern man. Amongst the people coming to him were many psycho therapists including the founder of Esalen who became a disciple. We began to have more and more group therapies. Soon the ashram became the largest growth centre in the world. Osho used the psycho therapies to help us to recognise our conditioning and better understand how our minds worked as a preparation to let go into meditation. I participated in one of the famous Enconter groups. To see twenty seconds film of a five day group therapy without knowing the processes involved and the state of controlled environment is ask more than the unintiated can understand.

There were also musicians coming from around the world so that there was much music and dancing in our lives. To enter the ashram was to enter a place where sincerity and an open heart was most important. Where true intimacy was common.

In his talks, he would speak of what it entailed to be a true guru. It was up to us to recognise whether he was such. I remember Osho saying:

“Don’t say “yes” to me. Don’t say “no” to me. Just open your hearts and listen. If something sounds right, then, take it. Experiment with it. Test it. If you find it to be true only then is it true.”

Among the many themes of Osho’s talks was the recurrent warning to beware of the priests and politicians. Those who strive to separate and exploit us with fear. The priest through the orthodox religions that teach us that we are somehow separate from god and that if we don’t follow what they tell us we will go to hell. The politicians, that we are separate from others for various reasons and separate from the world. That we should live in fear of each other. Instead of living in fear, Osho told us to live fully and dive deeply so that we may may experience our true selves and true potentials. He was for all of life. Both the inner and the outer. He declared that the New Man is a combination of Zorba and the Buddha. He also emphasised that his teachings not be turned into a religion. There is so much more that I would like to refer to but this will do for now.

Now, on to Rajneeshpuram. My perspective is as just an ordinary member of the commune. I was there for a bit over two years in the middle of the adventure. I had no access to the darker secret stuff that was happening. Only what most of us knew.

When I arrived in September following the first annual world celebration, things were fairly loosely organised as there was so much to do to build this city in the high desert. The first crew that I joined became the foundation for the first A-frame factory. I was co-team leader of the ‘floor play” crew. The next crew on the line was the “erection” crew. The final stage was the “climax” crew. This was the first housing built by the commune. In the beginning of my time all of the crews I was on had both a male and female co-ordinator. Their role was more than the practical, it included the physical and emotional well being of everyone on the crew. Safety was of first importance. Before using a tool you had to attend a training session. When you consider all that we did to build the commune, and how many people worked with tools and machines that they had never used before, there were very very few injuries.

During my two plus years on the ranch, I was also in the cabinet shop, the garage, on security in Portland after the hotel bombing, on the large crew that went to Idaho to dismantle the modular buildings of a mine construction camp and, finally, as a waiter in the restaurant in the mall. When we worked, it was as we had learned. It was not what you did but how you did it. In the present with awareness and putting your heart into it. Quality was how we lived and worked. The work was an easy steady pace. We had two hours off for lunch. Delicious food was waiting for us at the beautifully situated dining hall. Every one had a part in the process. There was no unemployment. I spent the day with so many close intimate friends. At the end of the day, I could go dancing, socialise or go home with my lover. When the Atelopean talked of the Rajneeshees laughing and dancing and hugging he said that they must have been on drugs. What kind of culture requires drugs for people to laugh and dance and hug?

To be building a place where we could live in a way that was open and free was thrilling. We were playing this beautiful game together as individuals and as one. Interdependant. When the ranch hotel needed to be built to a close deadline, extra shifts were put on. People came from every department. As one crew finished it job, the next crew was ready to begin. We were humming. I worked with doctors, lawyers, musicians, actors, therapists, people from every walk of life and we worked as friends. Women were as likely to be doing a job as men. Gender equality was real. (Except in Sheela’a inner circle.) Though Osho was in public silence, he would go for a drive everyday during our lunch break and we would line the road to say hello either with song and dance or just standing silently in Namaste.

After I left the commune, my brother asked me why. I said, “Because I was unhappy.” That was the best and truest answer that I could give at the time. It wasn’t one particular event that made me decide to leave. It has taken me a while to process it all and enumerate.
As I wrote above, at first, things were loosely organised as there was so much to do. As time passed and things became better organised, I watched as fewer and fewer people made more and more decisions. I heard of the architects talking about how they were hampered in being creative. I saw how truely environmentally friendly building was not happening. I also experienced the pettiness of Sheela and her close attendants (she bragged of how they were great “bitches”.) I was called in twice for minor things. The first summer, during lunch we would most of us go to Krishamurti lake that was formed by the large dam that we had built. I would drive one of the school buses that were used for public transport. When it was time to return to work, I loaded up my bus. It was full but some of the seats in the back were removed for some reason so the people sitting on the floor were not to be seen. As I passed the lake, a group of Sheela’s inner circle (Sue and Vidia amongst them) were waiting at the side of the road. I had a full bus, so, I shrugged at them and kept driving. Mine may have been the last bus of the day. The next day, I was called in by my department co-ordinator, Dolma, and asked about what had happened. I explained. The day after, my residence was moved from the ranch to Antelope. I was commuting again. Another time I was called in by Vidia, Sue and a few others for a silly misunderstanding. I stood my ground and eventually they let me go. Probably because the had also called in a woman “Who should have known better”. They had her in tears before I was out the door. In the film, it’s mentioned how Sheela would move between praise and verbal abuse with those she worked with, her lieutenants did the same. They could act any way that they wanted but if we stepped out of line, we were committing “undivine behaviour” “UDB”. However, most of the things that were off under Sheela’s regime were just niggling. During our day to day lives it was mostly forgotten. We learned to ignore things or joke about them and get on with it.

However, it did bother me over time. I was seeing how what was happening was not what Osho had been teaching us. Private or public humiliation was not what happened when you were coming from your heart. When Osho arrived at the Ranch, he went into silence except to speak with his carers and Sheela. Sheela would meet with him daily and, then, tell us what he said or what he wanted us to do. Does this sound familiar? She eventually took on the title of the “Pope”. As you saw in the film, she felt that was infallible. She even turned Osho’s teaching into a religion with “The Book of Rajneeshism”. Of course, Sheela was the politician as well. As a friend of mine recently stated, “It was Sheela’s way or the highway.

Though most of the things that bothered me about Sheela’s regime were minor irritants. It was the “share-a-home” program that was a real heart breaker for me. It was one of the most poorly planned things that I had seen. One day there were all of these men and women wandering around with nothing to do and no real connection to Osho and his vision. The jump in population was enormous and not properly prepared for. Then, after, they were of no more use to Sheela, they were shipped out after being confined to a compound. I was an escort on one of the buses that took a group off the ranch. It was the one time on the ranch that I was ashamed of what I was doing. If any of the rest of us had done such a poor job, there would have been a real ruckus.

The evening before I left the ranch, we were called into a general meeting. Sheela proceeded to call up pairs of individuals and accuse them of being negative towards the commune. I sat there thinking, “This is like the fucking Soviet Union. Sheela, you should get down on your knees and apologise to the commune for your words and actions.” Only later did I think that I could have gotten on stage and spoken my piece. I was leaving anyway. Maybe it would have shaken enough people awake to have made a difference. But, then, from what I know now, I most likely been leaving the ranch feet first.

It took me a year of unquiet before I decided to leave. A few days before I told anyone of my leaving, I wrote a letter to Osho. I didn’t expect it reach him.
Beloved Bhagwan,
I am leaving the ranch.
I am not leaving you.

Love, Sw. Anand Kundan

The day that I told my workmates that I was leaving, I had tears streaming down my face. My heart was aching. I was sending myself into exile from my sanyassin family.

After Sheela left the commune, there was a brief window in which there was a catharsis and things began to change for the better in the way the ranch was run. If Rajneeshpuram had continued, I would have returned. I loved so much of the life there.

For me, the time of Sheela’s reign was an existential lesson. All those years when we sat at Osho’s feet and he warned us, we nodded thinking that we understood. Some lessons are so important that they have to be learned the hard way.

By the way, even though Rajneeshpuram was finished, the commune did continue. It just took a different form. It is continuing now as looser network/tribe/family that is everywhere. Some of us have gone back to our old names for one reason or another. We wear all the colours of the rainbow.. I gather once a week with fellow friends and lovers of Osho for a meditation and, then, tea and bikkies.

I was in there the day that Osho left his body. I watched as his body was carried out and I could see that it was an empty husk. It was set on the dais for 30 minutes while were sang and danced. The dancing and singing continued as we carried it down to the ghats where wood was stacked around it and set afire as we sang and swayed through the night.

When I was leaving on my first trip to India to meet Osho, I told my parents that I was going “to meet the perfect man”. When I got to the ashram, I heard Osho say, “The only perfect man is a dead man.” “Make a mistake every day. Make many mistakes. Just don’t make the same one over and over. That’s stupid.” “I am just an ordinary man.” The person that was Osho was constantly experimenting with ways to help us to wake up. While the essence of Osho poured out like a fountain to be received by all who were open. The person is gone. However, essence is always present. He is in my heart.

After Osho left his body, some people went off to other gurus. This pissed off the nascent church of osho. I was ok with whatever people felt to do. I had no need of another guru. I have sat with other women and men that I felt are enlightened (whatever that means). I enjoy the bliss that I experience in their presence.

I’m 72 years old now. I live in immense gratitude for the life that I have experienced and am experiencing. It has been one hell of a ride. I enjoy my aloneness and I enjoy being with others. To have had the chance to be with Osho has been a blessing and an amazing adventure. Ten, twenty, thirty years later, I find myself says, “So, that’s what he meant”. I have many dear friends from many traditions and some with none. Each of us has her own path along the way. An open heart and a clear mind is all that is needed. There may be times may seem difficult along the way as you give up illusions of what you think is comfortable or safe. However, when you realise what is true, there is nothing easier. For there is nothing to do. Nowhere to go. Your very being is what you have been longing for.

Most mornings, you will find me sitting on my verandah with a cup of tea. Opening to the world around me as I relax. My thoughts slow and drift away as I let my awareness come to rest in this very moment. Sometimes I experience bliss rising up through my body. Sometimes it is so strong that it is like a gentle orgasm. Other times there is an immediate dynamic stillness. My heart opens and I become aware of a vast spaciousness. This space is the undercurrent as I play through the day and night.

I am just an ordinary man relaying my experience of a time in history and my own understanding of what happened. There are other very valid stories from this time. There so much more that I could say.

If you wish to really know Osho’s teachings beyond the headlines and film clips, most of his recorded discourses are available as books, audio and some videos to download for free at Oshoworld.com. If you wish to pay for expurgated versions, you can go to Osho.com

Blessing to All, Kundan

PS- You may wonder what Osho would think of all the hullabaloo. Hold on, I ask him. Ahhh, I hear that familiar chuckle.

You old rascal, still stirring them up after all these years.

“Be sincere, not serious.” -Osho